Losing Control
by RougeLioness
Summary: Starts after the end of season 4. Joey is trying to gain control back when she feels like she is losing it. Jack and Jen are worried. Dawson is disappointed. Audrey is happy to have a fun roommate. Pacey is learning running away doesn't help. Eventual P/J. Going to try to stick to most of the big events with some exceptions. Trigger warning ED mention
1. Chapter 1

Joey Potter had said a lot of goodbyes in her life. After losing not only her mother, but also her father made her hold on to people, almost as hard as she pushed them away.

She isn't naive enough to think that saying goodbye to Pacey is the hardest goodbye. But that knowledge doesn't make watching him walk away easier any time. After that fight at Prom she isn't sure when the next goodbye is going to be the last one. Then its graduation day and he isn't there when they call his name. The hardest goodbyes are always the ones you don't get to say.

She spends that summer overworking herself. Dawson leaves for California and she kisses him goodbye, except his goodbyes always make her feel like she is ten years old and for the first time she wants to go back. She would give up all her dreams of leaving this town if she could just go back to watching movies with the boys in Dawson's bedroom before rowing back across the creek to her mother and father.

Jen and Grams move to Boston with the help of Jack before he is off with Andy. She gets postcards from all of them during the summer but its weird, being the only one stuck in this town.

She has just worked her fifth day in a row of double shifts and yet she can't sleep. So she goes for a walk to the creek and just watches the stars for a while. Laying at the end of the dock she can almost pretend she is back on True Love. Her and Pacey spent many nights just laying there watching stars. After a few hours she decides to try sleeping again.

She gets four hours till she is woken up by Alex. She lifts him out of his crib, shushing him before her sister or any of the guests wake up. She feeds him with a bottle. Then she is started on breakfast. Heat the griddle, pour pancake batter. Lay out bacon, put in the oven. Drink a cup of coffee. Make more pancakes. Scramble some eggs. The guests are waking up so she puts the food on the table, greeting them with a smile and letting them know to get started on breakfast whenever they are ready.

"You could have woken me." Its Bessie with a grateful smile on her face as she takes Alex from Joey's hip.

"It's okay. I was up. Breakfast is served, I'm gonna grab a shower before everyone gets up. I have a double at the club then I'm gonna stop by Leery's and see if they need any help closing. I might be home late." She is talking fast while getting her shower stuff ready.

"Did you eat?" All motherly concern.

"I'm fine. Got to get going." Bessie is about to argue when Joey shuts the bathroom door in her face. Bodie comes from behind to kiss Alex's head and then kisses Bessie.

"I'm worried about her. She is working to much."

"She is just trying to keep busy." Bodie assured, though he could barely keep the worry from his voice.

"Hey Potter! Party tomorrow night! You in?" It's Drue. Who a few months ago Joey probably would have just ignored. But she finds herself nodding her head to answer him.

"Why not? I have off tomorrow night anyway. Want to give me a ride there? I'm working lunch." She is organizing her apron, sorting paid checks and double checking that everyone she has taken an order from is served.

"Sure. See ya later party girl." He gives her what he probably thinks is an award winning smile before going back to work. Joey wouldn't exactly call them friends, but he is the closest thing she has this summer, and at least he knows how to have a good time and keep her mind off of the past and future every now and then.

She gets off work at 6, pleased to see Drue heading to his car. She grabs her bag and slides in the front seat.

"Eyes on the road." She orders him before changing from her work uniform to a simple t-shirt and a pair of shorts. "Okay done."

Drue glances at her, whistling his approval.

"I just need to stop by my place, then we can meet up with the guys and see what they are doing about alcohol for tonight."

"Sure. I'm in a tequila kind of night." She winks at him, biting her lip in the pout that no one can resist. She doesn't party all that often, but she figures every now and then isn't going to hurt much.

They get to the party at 8 and she is getting looks before she has made it in the door. She realized not long after Dawson and Pacey left that guys were a lot less intimated by her now that she didn't constantly have one of them by her side.

Drue hands her a drink before he pulls her on the dance floor. It's weird to be dancing so closely with someone she would barely consider a friend, but he has a hand on her thigh and she doesn't care all that much. It makes her feel in control to not have messy feelings in every decision.

They do shots of tequila at the kitchen counter while she eyes the vacation boys. One of the good things about living in a coastal town is that every summer new people, mostly teenagers about to go off to college, come to visit. She has kissed a few of them this summer.

The Joey growing up probably would be ashamed of her, but she doesn't give herself enough time to think. Because thinking leads to heartbreak and she has had enough of that for a year.

Even after a summer of drinking and partying whenever she didn't have work it didn't take much to make her drunk. If she was good at one thing it was being a good drunk. She was dancing with a guy she didn't recognize, probably a guy here for the week. Judging from his expensive shoes and attitude she was assuming here on his father's yacht. Just passing through.

"Potter!" Drue called, coming up behind her and wrapping his arms around her. The guy she had been dancing with stepped back with his hands up before retreating into the crowd of dancers.

"Hey he was totally interested!" She smacked his chest, though they both started laughing after a minute.

"You are so out of that guys league." She smiled up at him, squinting her eyes back and forth to try to get a clear picture. "That is your problem you know, you need to set you sights higher!" Suddenly she was frowning up at him, and he quickly realized where her mind must have gone.

"I think I'm drunk." She told him in her higher then thou voice. "What time is it anyway?"

"Just past midnight." He told her, steadying her with one hand. He had stayed pretty sober most of the summer, always near by one drunk Joey Potter. The first party they had gone to she had ended up past her happy drunk and well into the crying over Pacey drunk.

"One more drink!" She told him, marching off to the kitchen. She grabbed two shots of the cheap whiskey they guys in there were pouring, leaning to pass him one.

"I'm driving." He reminded her, going to pass the shot to someone else when she downed both the shots. "And I think it is about time we go."

"I don't want to go." She pouted, but followed him when he tugged on her hand. He got her into the car, making sure she was buckled in before starting it up. "Why are you so nice to me?" She was leaning her head on the window, looking up at the stars. He didn't answer, he never did. Truth was he didn't know why. He didn't love her, he barely even liked her most of the time but he knew a hurting soul when he saw one. "Do you think he misses me?" She always ended up asking this question when she was just past drunk.

"Yea. I think he does." Drue Valentine may not know many things about relationships, but what he did know is when you have a girl who loves you like Joey loved Pacey you don't leave her without kicking yourself every day.

"Dawson has talked to him. He told me in his last email. Jen wrote ' he's okay ' on her last postcard like that makes anything better."

"How is Jen?" Okay so Drue may have had a small crush on the blond since they were kids.

"Good I guess. I can tell her you asked next time I talk to her?" She had offered a few times before but he always turned her down.

"Yea, you do that Potter." Then he was turning into her families' b&b. They had mastered the art of sneaking in a drunk Joey without waking any of the guests or her sister. He would get her out of the car and up the stairs then it was up to her. The first time he drove her home after a party she managed to slam his car door and then stumble up the stairs. Bodie had come out to meet them that time, and it is something Drue had been avoiding ever since. "See ya tomorrow." He told her, she just waved her fingers in response, before slipping in the door, closing it softly.


	2. Chapter 2

Joey was packing up her room. She had managed to read all her required summer reading and was working on the recommended lists in the last week so those were the only things left to pack. Jack had flown into Boston a few days ago and him and Jen were driving down to spend a few days in Capeside before they all started school together. It would be weird, having at least some of her friends back.

She had worked almost everyday this summer and she only had one more double and then she was done with the yacht club.

She had gone to another party last night, making it home in the early morning hours, managing to get a few hours sleep before she was back up again. Feed Alex, get breakfast ready for the guests. Empty the dishwasher and clean out the sink. Drink some water. Greet the guests as they came out of their room. Grab some fruit for the lady who prefers a healthy breakfast over bacon and pancakes. Sure she can run to the store and grab some yogurt before tomorrow morning. Then Bessie is up and she is handing off Alex who is crawling all over the place. Grab a shower and get ready for work.

"Joey breakfast!" Bessie called. Joey grabbed an apple, taking a bite before walking out the door. She finished it as she made her way into the yacht club. She poured herself a coffee, then poured one for Drue who was half asleep with his head on the table.

"Wonder woman" He mumbled, lifting his head just enough to drink it then squinting at her. "How are you not hung over? You had just as much to drink as I did."

"Light weight!" She teased, ruffling his head like she often did to Alexander. She quickly got the tables set up for the lunch rush, talking to the girls who were finishing with the brunch customers.

She was just counting her tips when she heard the unmistakable laugh of Jen Lindley. She tucked them into her pocket, going out to meet her friends, who were talking to Drue. He had finished his shift hours ago, but he often hung around the yacht club, drinking under other people's tabs.

"Jen! Jack!" She yelled to them, hugging them before looking to Drue. "Any parties?"

"Parties?" Jen and Jack both gave her a weird look, glancing between her and Drue.

"Well we have to welcome Will and Grace back to Capeside somehow!" Drue exclaimed. "There are two big ones, but I think the one at the beach is going to be much better."

"Well to the beach it is!" Joey sang, glancing between her friends. "You guys coming?" Jen and Jack both nodded, giving each other worried glances while they followed Joey and Drue to his car.

"So what have you been up to this summer?" Jack asked Joey, Drue had gone in search of a pretty girl he had ran into at the yacht club earlier that day. Jen had gone to get them a refill at Joey's request.

"Mostly work, some parties. Got my reading done, just one more book on the recommended list for one of my classes then I am free for the last few days before we head to Boston. Tell me all about it and your summer!" Jack just smiled at Joey, telling her about the cafe not far from Gram's and the cute guy who worked behind the counter that him and Jen were arguing about. It would be great if one of them had a gaydar.

"Hey babe" Drue said, wrapping his arm around Jen. He had given up on the girl, but spotted Jen.

"Drue."

"That for Joey? She isn't a fan of vodka." He told her, passing her the whiskey instead. She watched him as she poured the drinks.

"She been partying a lot." She meant it to come out as a question but it sounded more like a judgement, even to her ears.

"Not that either of us have the right to judge but yea. I've been keeping an eye on her but I think she felt a little abandoned, and with the whole Pacey thing..." He trailed off awkwardly. It wasn't really his place to talk to Jen about Joey, but he figured they might all be considered friends in some way.

"Thanks. Hopefully Boston will help clear her mind." She nodded to him, grabbing everyone's drinks and joining Jack and Joey.

It was a few hours later, closing in on one a.m. when Drue found them again. Joey was sitting, drink in her hand with half lidded eyes, laughing at something Jen was talking about. She seemed happy in that moment, though she almost always seemed happy these days. Which is what worried Drue the most.

"Parties just about done, anyone want a ride?" He questioned, pulling first Joey, then Jen up from the floor. They made there way to the car slowly, Joey laughing as her and Jen tripped over each other's feet while they leaned against each other. Jack didn't look like he had had anything to drink, and Drue hadn't since the first shot hours ago.

Drue leaned over automatically to put Joey's seat belt on, missing the look Jack sent to Jen in the backseat. As they started to drive Joey watched the stars, with her head leaning on the window. Drue knew it was coming long before she managed to find her voice.

"Do you think he misses me?" She whispered, watching as her breath made the window foggy. Jack leaned forward and grabbed her elbow.

"I talked to him a few days ago, he was off the coast of Flordia I think. They are starting to make their way back north." Jen offered, suddenly feeling much more sober.

"Hmm." Joey mumbled, shaking Jack's hand off and curling into herself a little more. "I'm not sure if I want to know." She said after a few minutes of awkward silence.

Then they were at the b&b and Drue was helping Joey out of the car and up the stairs, Jen and Jack trailing behind. "Careful not to wake anyone." He whispered to them before jumping in his car and driving off.

Alex was up the next morning at 4 crying. Joey almost pushed Jen out of bed, then almost tripped over Jack, but still managed to get to Alex before he woke anyone else up. She had barely been asleep for half an hour, giggling with Jen till one of them basically passed out. She was probably still a little drunk she realized. But she was walking in a straight line so good signs.

She made breakfast, starting on the cutting the fruit first, waiting till closer to breakfast time to start on the pancakes and bacon. She added in some waffles, knowing they were Jack and Jen's favorite. She was on her third cup of coffee by the time almost everyone was done with breakfast and her friends finally woke up. She handed them both a cup of coffee, smiling at their sleepy expressions.

"Why are you up so early?" Jack grumbled into his coffee.

"How are you up so early?" Jen added.

"Alex was up so I got him up and I usually do breakfast. Bessie should be up soon and we can do whatever we want the rest of the day." Joey told them, washing the breakfast guest's plates while the duo sat down to eat.

"Did you eat?" Bessie asked as she picked up Alex, giving him kisses.

"Not very hungry. Jumping in the shower." Joey told her, smiling at her friends before she left the room. Bessie sat down at the table, sighing.

"She has been over working herself, not eating enough." She told them, whispering. Just in case Joey could hear over the shower. "I'm nervous about her at school, you guys will keep an eye on her?" She asked them.

"Of course." They said in unison, looking at each other from over the rims of their coffee cups.


	3. Chapter 3

Jen, Jack, and Joey make the most of the time they have left in capeside. Sunbathing during the day, either on the docks or the beach. Jack would sometimes meet up with his old team mates and throw a football around. Joey often would sit around town drawing the views she would miss so much. There were only three days left in Capeside when Joey went to pull her last shift at Leery's Fresh Fish. Jen and Jack had wanted to go to the movies and that was one of the last places Joey wanted to be. Movies reminded her to much of Dawson, and he had left her here to deal with Capeside basically alone.

"Hey Joey!" Gail says, passing by her with a tray of drinks. "Can you pick up Lacey's tables? She had to leave early today."

"Of course!" As much as Joey wanted to get out of this town, and could deal with never having to wait a table again she found it almost soothing. There was almost a dance to it, one where she didn't have time to think of other things.

She had been there for about four hours when she suddenly got very dizzy, which had been happening more often this summer then in the past. She was just going to sit for a short break when she felt her feet go out from under her.

"Joey? Honey?" When she opened her eyes she could barely make out Gail kneeling next to her. Mitch was there on her other side.

"I'm fine." She muttered, bringing her hand up to her head. She didn't feel any spots from where she fell but she could do with a nap.

"Do you want Mitch to drive you to the hospital?" Gail asked her, brushing her hair behind her ears before helping her sit up slowly.

"No. I'm fine. I can finish my shift if you need me." She offered, standing now with both Gail and Mitch looking at her concerned. Thankfully anyone else who was surprised about her fainting had quickly gotten back to their meals, or work.

"We'll manage. Why don't you take a seat and we will get you some water while Mitch finishes up so he can drive you home?" Gail offered, pushing her to the seat at one of the empty tables, quickly coming back with a cup of water. Mitch disappeared into the kitchen while Gail took the seat across from her. "Are you sure everything is okay? Not overworking? Making sure to eat and sleep well?"

"I'm fine Gail. I think I am just a little stressed about school and moving and everything." Joey assured her, getting up as Mike came out of the kitchen. "Sorry for having to leave early, I'll stop by and say bye before I leave in Saturday." She told Gail, giving her a brief hug before following Mitch out to the car. The drive back to the b&b was silent. Joey had grown up with Mitch being the closest thing she had to a present father and she could sense the worry he kept sending her.

When they pulled up to the b&b Bessie was waiting out front, her arms wrapped around herself. She met Joey as she was getting out of the car.

"You okay? Gail called." She asked, wrapping her arms around Joey.

"Of course, I think I just need to catch up on some sleep." She told her older sister, waving at Mitch as he pulled out of the driveway.

"Dinner first, Jen and Jack just got back from the movies and are setting the table again." Bessie ordered her, following her up the stairs.

She was meet in the dining room by Jen's arms around her. Jack pulled them both into a hug, until Joey laughed pulling away from the hug and sitting down at her seat. "I'm fine guys, I just got a little dizzy."

"Okay." Jen sang softly, digging into the pasta Bodie had made them. Jack watched Joey as he to dug into his food. She was taking small bites, pushing it around her plate.

"Joey you should eat." He told her softly.

"I think I'm still nauseous from earlier." She explained, taking another small bite to appease him.

Once they had all finished as much as they were going to eat - Jack getting seconds and thirds - they sat on the couch, joking about old times.


	4. Chapter 4

After assuring Bessie she would be fine multiple times Joey managed to finish getting her things packed in Jack's car. Jack and Jen had already brought most of their things up which left a lot of room in the truck for her few things. Jack was already blasting music from the car radio, singing along as Joey said goodbye to Bessie and Bodie. She hugged Alexander for a few moments, kissing his head and getting in the car before she could cry. She had already said her goodbyes to Dawson's parents and picked up her last check from the yacht club. She realized, looking out at the creek from her spot in the car as Jack started driving, that no matter how much she wanted to get out of this town growing up that she was going to miss it.

She was just putting away the last of her clothes when a blonde headed bombshell came rushing into the room, throwing a bag onto her bed.

"Hey Roomie!" The new girl shouted, dropping down on the bed Joey hadn't claimed. "I'm Audrey!" She told her, as some guys came in dropping some more suitcases and boxes down near Audrey. "Thanks boys." She told them with a flirtatious wink.

"I'm Joey." She told her with a small wave, closing the closet and dropping to sit cross legged on her bed.

"Well Joey, what do you say we do some roommate bonding and get ready for all the parties tonight?" Audrey asked her, dumping the clothes from her suitcase onto the floor, making piles.

"Yea sure. I think the upperclassman dorm next door has a party going on tonight." Joey informed her, passing her the flyer that she had founder under the door when she first got there.

"Sounds perfect!" Audrey told her, glancing at the flier before going back to her clothes. "So are we thinking casual jeans and a hoodie, slutty dress, or somewhere in the middle?" She asked Joey, throwing a few options on the bed.

"Probably somewhere in the middle." Joey told her, holding up a strappy tank that tied a few places in the back, leaving most of her back open.

"I love that!" Audrey told her, before pulling up a simple black tank with low cleavage from one of the piles. Once they had both decided on what they were going to wear they sat back down on their beds. "So give me all the dets! You got a boyfriend back home?"

"Not really, no." Joey said, thinking first of Pacey sailing away before they decided if they were still even friends, and then of Dawson and their weird goodbye kiss. "You?" She asked.

"Nope, I'm a no strings attached kind of gal." Audrey smiled, somehow showing off almost all of her perfectly white teeth.

"So where is home?" She asked Audrey, noticing the girl tense a little at the question.

"Here and there. My parents call California home most of the year, we have a couple beach houses here and there. I wouldn't call any of them home exactly."

"Oh." Joey wasn't sure what to say. She had met a lot of the 'elite' of society. All the teenage boys comparing the sizes of their daddy's yachts. Usually she was serving them or pumping gas into their boats, not on equal footing with them.

"So where are you from? Actually let me guess! Small town? Only one stoplight type of town?" She questioned, looking excited at the possibility.

"Two stoplights actually. They just put the other one in two years ago. Capeside, its actually not far from here." She told her, not sure what else to say. What can you say about the town that you hated but that contributed so much to yourself?

"Cute boys? I always dreamed of living in a small town and falling in love with the boy next door who just happened to be the most attractive guy in the state." Audrey told her, leaning forward with her elbows in her knees.

"Some cute boys. My boy next door was Dawson. Total day dreamer, he is in LA now actually. He is going to be a director." She smiled, thinking about how even if everything else in her life changed, Dawson and his dreaming was like a North star. "The most attractive guy in the state would have to be Jack. Total hottie." She informed Audrey, laughing.

"Oh, now this I need details for!" Audrey told her.

"Well he moved to Capeside with his sister Sophomore year. She was a total Harvard bound girl. Only person who studied more then me probably. She is taking a year off in Europe." At Audrey's suggestive cough she remembered her train of thought. "Oh and Jack. Well he came to work for my family's business. I was dating Dawson at the time, but what can a girl do when she isn't sure how she is feeling and in walks this totally adorable guy who listens to her and has an interest in art?"

"Okay so let me get this straight you are dating your boy next door so that makes Jack the bad boy right?" Audrey looked excited at all the drama.

"No not exactly. Jack was more or less just a fling. Turns out I'm not really his type." She almost laughed at Audrey's confused expression.

"So what he wanted some slut or was it a blonde/brunette thing?" She asked.

"Nope! More of a lacking certain parts thing." At Audrey's stunned facial expression Joey really did laugh. "He is gay!" She said thru her laughter. Soon Audrey was joining in on the laughter.

"So you had a relationship with a boy next door and with a gay guy? What kind of small town did you live in? I'm so jealous!" Audrey told her once they had gotten their laughter under control. Joey froze, looking confused. She had never really thought anyone could be jealous of her life. "So was there a bad boy? Or any other guys?" Audrey asked her.

"Eh what about you?" Joey asked her, silently hoping she didn't push it. Joking about the situation with Jack was something they all did often to get over the awkwardness that was Sophomore year. And the Dawson thing had been talked over so many times before that it wasn't even a big deal to talk about it anymore. She did like the new title of that relationship, ' the boy next door' instead of 'soulmate' was a nice change. But the Pacey of it all was different for some reason.

"Well there have been a few guys. My first boyfriend, David, was a total sweetheart, we met at one of those summer camps my parents sent me to every year so they didn't have to see me all summer. He was my first, and everything. Broke up at the end of the summer, his parents were moving and we already were looking at a long distance thing when school started back up since I was at the private school a whole twenty minutes away but four hours was just to far. That was freshman year. Then there were a couple boyfriends here and there, mostly to make my parents mad. Greg who was a drummer in a band. Pete, who was this total hunk of a T.a. that one was doomed from the start. Then there was Chris. He was my on again off again boyfriend in highschool. Let me cry about my parents or the guys who were total jerks to me. We actually broke up not long ago. Different sides of the country and everything." She told Joey, who was amazed at how much she could say without really breathing.

"So the perfect boyfriend, the friend who was also a boyfriend, the mad at the parents boys, and a teacher?" Joey summed up, trying not to think of Pacey. Teacher/student relationships would make anyone think of him she tried to justify to herself.

"Well technically he was a t.a. So he wasn't like twenty years older then me or anything. But that's pretty much it. So far at least." She winked at Joey, who held a straight face for a few seconds, before laughing.

"We had this big scandal Sophomore year with a teacher and a student." Joey said after a couple minutes of silence. 'Talk about him without mentioning his name, good plan' she told herself.

"Really? Your town really did have everything! So what happened?" Audrey did love a good story. And Joey realized she kind of liked being the one with the stories.

"Well he was a classmate of mine and she was this bombshell of a teacher. They got together and were keeping it a pretty good secret, only his best friend knew. Then it came out and he defended her, said nothing happened. She quit her job and left. I don't think anyone has really heard from her since."

"And he was okay? I mean I've done the older guy thing and it's always a bad idea to have a serious relationship with such a big age gap I think."

"Yea, he seemed to be okay. Kissed me, fell for Jack's sister, you know guy way of dealing with things I guess." She explained awkwardly. She hadn't thought in years about how Pacey was effected by the whole situation. He always seemed okay, but then again that was kind of his coping mechanism.

"So how was the kiss?" Audrey asked.

"Confusing." Joey told her with a small laugh. "Shouldn't we be getting ready?" She jumped up, hoping to avoid the rest of that conversation for a while.


	5. Chapter 5

Joey had been nervous to be living with someone she had never met. She was use to sharing her space, but before it had always been with her family, or sharing Dawson's space with him. Audrey was actually pretty amazing as far as roommates could go. She was the opposite of Joey in many ways - wanting to act before she talked, hyper, messy and disorganized, and boy-crazy. They also had many similarities, which is probably why Joey felt so at ease with her. They both had defense mechanisms put up, Audrey's flirty banter to hide true feelings, to match Joey's biting sarcasm. And they both would do just about anything for their friends, as they both relied on each other.

They went to the first party together, then went to everyone after that when Joey didn't have schoolwork. Joey tried to keep as busy as possible, and hated being in the big room alone, so she would often work during the library hours then get home in time to go out with Audrey. Then they got back in time for a few hours of sleep before Joey was up for a run before class. Audrey had already dropped any classes that required extensive homework or being up before eleven. Joey had long ago mastered the getting ready without waking anyone, living with a baby could do that.

Joey had also introduced Jack and Jen.

"So the one who got away and the girl who stole the boy next door?" Audrey had asked before they could be properly introduced, making her instant friends with Jen, even if Joey's face resembled a tomato.

The emptyness that Joey expected to feel, moving away from everything she ever knew, losing Dawson to distance and Pacey to their mistakes, didn't hurt that bad. She still missed them both, and the few times when she forgot to keep busy she would wonder what they were doing. But calling Dawson wasn't an option, they needed to learn how to live without relying on each other. And even if she wanted to call Pacey, which she wasn't sure she did, she didn't have any number to reach him at. Didn't even know where he was. She liked to imagine him standing on the deck of whatever boat he was on, looking out over the ocean like he thought he could just sail away forever and keep on sailing. It was how he use to look on True Love. The summer they sailed to the Keys she would often wake up to find him just standing, leaning on something or another, feet and arms crossed, just watching the horizon. She had drawn him that way countless times.

"Pacey!" Jen called, making her way down the dock. He poked his head out first, throwing on one of his button ups as he went to step onto the deck.

"Yes Jen Dear?" He asked. Checking behind her shoulder, always worried she would reveal his secret.

"I haven't told her, if that is what you are looking for." He breathed out a sigh of relief. "And I really don't want to, but if you don't soon I will have to. Joey and I haven't always gotten along but we are finally actually becoming friends and I'm not ruining that because you can't get up the guts to see your ex."

"Okay, I get it." He told her, taking notice of her disbelieving look. "Really" He assured, before sitting down, gesturing with his hand for her to do the same. "I'm just not sure what to say to her. I don't even know if she wants to see me or anything." He was hoping he wouldn't have to ask for Jen to judge the situation, but he was hoping she might do it for him anyway.

"I dont know." Jen told him honestly. "She doesn't really talk about the whole situation much. I really only see her for a little bit every now and then. She refuses to come over for dinner or anything. Always busy with classes, and when she doesn't have papers to write or whatever she is at one party or another with her roommate." Pacey looked a little shocked at this. Joey wasn't against parties or anything, but she had never been a party girl by any means. "Maybe I can convince her to come to Sunday night dinner and you can join? I don't want to blindside her or anything but it might be better if we are all there?" She offered.

"Maybe." He sighed, trying to dissect how he was feeling. He had come to Boston, part of refusing to acknowledge that he might see her, the other part of him coming specifically to see her. Even without the dating complications she had always been one of his best friends. "Look Jen I have work in a little bit, can we catch up some other time and I can decide what I want to do." He told her, offering her his hand as he got off the boat. They walked towards the metro station together in silence. He gave her a hug before turning to catch his train.

"Pacey." She called, taking a deep breath when he turned. "I'm worried about her." She told him. She hadn't wanted to burden Pacey, or lay the blame at his feet, but if anybody knew Joey Potter it was Pacey. Of course Dawson would be most people's first thought but he knew the person he wanted Joey to be much better then he knew her. Pacey nodded once, turning again to get on his train. They had had this conversation a few times since Jen discovered Pacey was in Boston. She told him about her overworking herself, and about her passing out at the restaurant. Pacey had been worried, but he told her to call Dawson and that he wasn't the right person to save Joey. Not after how much he had hurt her. And Joey wasn't the type of girl to need saving. She would be fine, he told Jen, trying desperately to believe it himself.


	6. Chapter 6

It was a little month since she had moved to Boston when Joey fainted again. She had been rushing all morning, She woke up late and tried to run her normal route but twisted her ankle. Then she was 5 minutes late to class, which caused her teacher to hold her after class to talk to her. Of course that made her late to her next class. She was planning on going back to her dorm for a nap before her afternoon classes, when she got dizzy walking across campus. She went to sit down, but fell before she could find a bench.

When she woke up she was surrounded by unfamiliar faces. She looked up when she felt soft hands on her head, wincing at the pain from moving her eyes.

"Hi honey." A nurse or doctor, Joey decided, based on the scrubs. "You seem to have fainted and you hit your head pretty hard." She told her in a soothing voice. 'How do people get that soothing of a voice?' Joey questioned to herself, working herself into a sitting position. She touched the bump on the back of her head, wincing again at the pressure, then at the sticky feeling on her fingers. She had dealt with enough fish guts in her life that a little blood wasn't enough to make her sick, but knowing her head was bleeding did not quell the nauseous feeling in her stomach. "Do you want to go to the hospital and get checked for a concussion or come to the student health center and we can watch you there?" She questioned softly.

"Actually I think I'm good. I'll just have my roommate wake me up every half hour or so right?" She asked the nurse, really not in the mood to be watched by a bunch of nurses.

"Well I can't make you come get checked out." The nurse told her. "But can I at least walk you back to your room? Make sure you get there in one piece."

"Its right there." Joey pointed to where she could see not just her dorm building but her window. Suddenly the nurse was standing, offering her hand to Joey.

"Hey Bunny!" Audrey said from her bed, making a surprised noise and dropping her magazine when she saw the nurse with Joey. 'Probably the latest issue of Cosmo' Joey thought to herself. "Everything okay?" Audrey asked, looking between the nurse and Joey.

"Your roommate here bumped her head and doesn't want to go to the hospital so I am going to leave her here in your hands. Just make sure she comes sees us if she has any dizzy spells, headaches, confusion, or slurred speech. Or if she hits her head again." The nurse told Audrey, glancing at Joey before walking out the door. "Be careful Joey." She said before closing the door softly behind her.

"I just tripped and fell." Joey explained, glad that her head had finally stopped bleeding.

"On the back of your head?" Audrey questioned, glancing at Joey worriedly.

"Yea. I'm gonna take a quick shower before my next class." Joey told her, already stepping into the bathroom.

"Are you sure that is a good idea?" Audrey asked the closed door.

"I'm fine!" Joey called out to her before starting the water. Every time she showered she was once again thankful that she had somehow managed to get a room with a private bathroom.

"Hey Jen, It's Audrey. I can't talk long." Audrey rushed out, as soon as Jen answered the phone.

"What's up?" Jen asked, already prepared for a long ramble on the guy of the week.

"It's Joey, she is in the shower now but a nurse just walked her home because she tripped and fell and hurt her head and she is saying she is fine but she is acting weird and I just figured you might know something." Audrey rushed out all at once.

"Slow down." Jen told her, trying to get her brain to process it all quickly. "So she passed out and hit her head and she is taking a shower?"

"Yes!" Audrey whisper-shouted.

"Do you know if she has been eating?" Jen asked in a whisper, even though she was home alone.

"I don't know. I don't monitor her eating habits or anything." Audrey told her defensively. She did feel bad that she hadn't noticed anything was wrong.

Jen thought for a few minutes. "Look I heard of this really cool restaurant, why don't the three of us go check it out tonight and we can see if she really is fine or if we should be worried."

"Oh that's a great idea!" Audrey told her, before quieting quickly when she heard the water shut off. "Oh really? Yea I will ask her when she gets out of the shower! Want to meet us here?" She asked in her normal loud voice.

"Oh she can hear you" Jen realized. "Yea I will meet you guys at yours after my last class. Bye." She said before hanging up right as Joey came out of the bathroom, towel drying her hair.

"That was Jen." Audrey informed her.

"Oh?" Joey mumbled, checking her bag for her things for the next class.

"She heard of this really cool restaurant and wants both of us to go with her to check it out." Audrey told her, trying to sound totally casual. Good thing she was an actress. And that Joey was pretty oblivious.

"I don't know. I have this big paper due tomorrow." Joey told her, pulling her backpack over one shoulder.

"We all know you finished that paper last week. Just come with us for an hour. If the food sucks we can just come back." Audrey bargained.

"Sure, I guess its a plan. I'll see you after class." Joey told her as she left the room.

Joey had to admit that the food was actually really good. More expensive then she was completely comfortable, but she had plenty of money in her food fund. She even had fun joking with Audrey and Jen, even if she was getting annoyed at their concerned glances.

"Hey I'm going to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back." She told them. However the bathrooms were right by the kitchen door, and as she went to open the ladies restroom door she heard a voice that was pretty unmistakable to her. So she quietly closed the door, backing up and looking in just to try to convince herself that it wasn't actually Pacey. Because Pacey was out sailing somewhere down south. Why would he be in a restaurant kitchen in Boston? But he was, she saw as she looked into the kitchen. The boy who had taken her heart and sailed away was flirting with a waitress in the kitchen of this random restaurant in Boston.

She made her way back to the table, forgetting about the bathroom all together. She was overcome with the need to get out of there, just leave before she could change her mind and turn around and talk to him. Because even after thinking about this moment for a whole summer and a couple weeks she still hadn't come up with anything to say. She grabbed her coat from the back of her chair, refusing to look up.

"I'm leaving." She informed her friends, rushing out of the restaurant and half a block down the street, before she found a bench and sunk down into it.

"What was that about?" Jen asked her gently, a hand on her arm.

"Pacey was in there." Joey told her, looking at her hands that she was twisting on her lap. Then a thought suddenly occurred to her and she swung her head to look at Jen quickly. "Did you know?!" She asked, her voice a harsh whisper.

"No. no. no. I mean I knew he was in town, he swore me to secrecy on that but I just figured when he said he got a job he meant as a deckhand or something on the boats. I swear I didn't know he would be here." She told Joey, who still was upset.

"Oh." She whispered, balling her hands into fists as Audrey was coming out of the restaurant. "What is he doing in Boston?" She asked, her voice wavering. "Actually I don't want to know."

"Bunny! Are you okay?" Audrey asked, wrapping Joey in a hug.

"Yea. Umm Pacey was in there." Joey told her, with an awkward shrug.

"Pacey?" Audrey asked, looking at Joey, then over to Jen when Joey didn't answer right away.

"She hasn't told you about Pacey? I thought you guys talked about everything." Jen was shocked. Audrey knew all about Dawson, and just about everything about all of their friends. Except Pacey it seems.

"I'll tell you when we get back to the dorms. And I have a drink." Joey told Audrey.

"So spill!" Audrey told Joey as soon as the trio had closed the dorm room behind them. Audrey went to her drawer, pulling out a bottle of vodka, taking a swig before pasing it to Joey.

"She doesn't like... Vodka..." Jen trailed off as Joey took a large swig.

"It's not my favorite." Joey coughed, before they all laughed. They all got comfortable before the two blondes turned to Joey.

"Okay so the beginning it is I guess. So you already knew I grew up with Dawson. Well Pacey was there two. We pretty much all did everything together. Growing up Pacey use to always pull at my hair and we would get in these pointless arguments. Dawson would always try to mediate and keep the peace. Then Freshman year I started having feelings for Dawson. Pacey use to always tease me about that. God he was annoying." She took a breath, taking the vodka back from Jen and taking another sip. "Enter Jen, blonde hair goddess that she is had Dawson's eye from the moment she stepped from the cab. And I was jealous. Pacey was dating the teacher. Pacey kissed me, I pushed him away." She took another sip from the vodka then, passing it back to Audrey. I dated Dawson, then Jack. Pacey dated Andie. Jack was gay. Andie cheated. I dated Dawson. Dawson convinced me to send my father back to prison, I broke up with him. Jen and Pacey made a sex pact they didn't act on. Pacey helped us build the b&b. Pacey gave me driving lessons. I painted a mural, which got ruined and Pacey helped me repaint it after calling out the guy who ruined it. I dated AJ - college boy. We broke up and I called Pacey to pick me up. He kissed me on the way home. We all went to visit Dawson's aunt and Pacey and I kissed. And then we got together but couldn't figure out how to tell Dawson. Of course he freaked out when we told him so then we broke up. And then I told him I loved him and went sailing with him the summer before Senior year. Then we had a perfectly rocky relationship senior year. He was my first. The last night of the senior class trip. Then we were okay for a little bit, but he was barely passing classes and I was trying to come up with ways to pay for school. Then we fought at Prom and he was gone by graduation." She finished with a sigh. She didn't add how she still missed him - both his sense of humor and the way he made her feel safe, to the way he pushed her out of her comfort zone.

"Wow." Audrey said, and they all were quiet as they took small sips of the vodka. "I thought I was the only one who could say that much at once." Audrey added, making everyone laugh.

"Yea." Joey agreed, tucking her hair behind her ears. It felt weird, laying her past on the table like that. She hadn't actually ever told anyone about her and Pacey before. Everyone else who knew had been a part of it.

"So now what?" Audrey asked, adding an "Ow!" When Jen smacked her on the arm.

"Now we get drunk, and I put off thinking about what to say to him till tomorrow." Joey said, reaching for the bottle once again.


	7. Chapter 7

Dawn found Joey slipping out from under Jen's arm and quickly changing and grabbing her sunglasses. She left a note saying ' going to see a man about a boat ' before taking a cab to the docks Jen had mentioned. They had all gotten pretty drunk, laughing at a game of truth or dare that involved the rule of no having to get up to the dare, before Audrey fell asleep, snoring loudly on top of all of her blankets. Jen had told Joey where to find Pacey "Just in case inspiration strikes" She had said, before they both fell asleep. Joey was regretting drinking that much last night, her head pounding in time with her steps. She found the boat he was living on pretty quickly, taking a few breaths before she stepped aboard. She knocked on the door, trying to ignore the fact that he was probably sleeping and may not be alone.

"Hello?" He called out, she ignored him, knocking a few more times before stepping back. "Oh hey." He said when he saw her, stopping buttoning his shirt halfway up. "What are you doing here?" He asked, chuckling nervous.

"Heard you were in town." She told him as cold as she could be. Part of her wanted to slap him, while the other part wanted nothing more then to wrap her arms around him. Stupid boy making her fall in love and then just leaving her.

"Right. Jen."

"Actually Civilization. Jen and Audrey, my roommate, were trying to plan some intervention or something but there you were." She told him, crossing her arms over her chest and shifting from foot to foot.

"Intervention?" He sounded concerned. Jerk.

"I tripped and hit my head. Not a big deal. What are you doing in Boston?" She asked him, bringing a hand up to the back of her head.

"You okay?"

"I'm fine. What are you doing in Boston?" She asked, stressing the word Boston, gesturing to the boat and Boston.

"Working mostly." He told her, then added on when he saw her glare. "I didn't want to go back to Capeside, the guy I was working for offered me his boat for a while, figured it was a good enough deal." She just nodded, getting off the boat. "I wanted to see you." He added, cursing himself in his head.

"You have a funny way of showing it." She told him, walking off. Before she got out of hearing range she turned and told him, "Welcome to Boston, don't be a stranger." Then she was gone.


	8. Chapter 8

Audrey becomes the best friend Joey never knew she was missing. It was different, having a girl friend without the complications she had had with Jen or Andie. The closest they got to fighting over guys was when they both picked out the same guy at a party to flirt with, but Jack had saved the day.

"So you guys mention Dawson all the time and it sounds like Jen and Jack still talk to him but you don't?" Audrey asked Joey as they were getting ready for yet another party. Joey had just finished her last paper that was due that Monday so she planned on partying most of the weekend.

"Not so much. We kind of agreed that it might be better to grow apart a little." Joey tried to explain.

"Well when am I going to get to meet him? You guys always talk about all these people and I just want to know everyone."

"Maybe one day soon, I will call him this weekend. Jen said he got this great gig with a bigtime producer and I want to congratulate him." Joey told her, holding up a shirt for approval.

"I love that top! But so you guys aren't talking but you are still friends even though he lives on the other side of the country and you and Pacey are not talking but he lives in the same town and still share all the same friends. You have complicated relationships with your exs."

"Pacey and I aren't not talking." Joey informed her defensively. "Are Jen and Jack meeting us there?"

"Jack has a frat thing according to Jen. But she is meeting us here. And I noticed that topic change." Audrey laughed, giving Joey a mock glare thru the mirror as she did her make up.

"Pacey and I are complicated." Joey told her, shrugging her shoulders. "Jen is insisting on dinner tomorrow night and she already asked me if it was okay if Pacey came so we might see him tomorrow."

"And you are okay with that?" Audrey asked, holding up her hands when Joey shot her a dark look.

"I can't be mad at him forever. Technically we broke up, publicly and terribly, and he left to go sailing but we started out as good friends. And as you pointed out earlier we share all the same friends." Joey told her as she came into the bathroom next to her, hip checking her for some mirror space.

"Well if he does show up tomorrow and you decide you aren't as okay as you are saying you are then you just tell me and I'll make up some excuse to come home early."

"Your the best."

"All I'm saying is this woman has some sort of superpower. No one should be able to drink the amount she does and not have a hangover." Audrey was telling Jen as they walked in the front door of her place. They had been meaning to do weekly dinners since before they got to Boston but it just hadn't happened till then.

"Honey I'm home!" Jen shouted once they were all in the door and recovering from their laughter.

"We are in the kitchen Dear!" Jack called back to her.

"We?" Jen mouthed to the other girls before they turned the corner. "Pacey!" Jen called surprised, before rushing over to hug him.

"Hey Pacey." Joey did an awkward half wave after briefly hugging Jack. "Pacey this is my roommate Audrey, Audrey this is Pacey."

"Wow so Worthington must be the place to be." He flirted, looking the two girls up and down.

"God that was terrible" Jack told him as he hugged Audrey.

"Just trying to make this not awkward." At everyone's looks he quickly added, "Not that this is awkward, because this isn't awkward right?"

"Only awkward if you make it awkward." Joey and Audrey told him at the same time, laughing when they finished.

"Right." Pacey gave them both look like they had gone insane before turning back to the stove. "So who is this person you guys were saying has super powers?"

"Joey." Audrey told him with pride evident in her voice. Pacey shot a look to Jen before giving a curious glance to Joey.

"Gotta do something to keep those frat boys interested, right Jack?" She joked, tapping her fingers against her leg. 'Only awkward if you make it awkward' she repeated to herself.

"I'm sure all you need to do is smile to keep them interested Jo." He told her, sending her one of his contagious smiles. They all laughed when her face turned bright red.

"So what's for dinner?" Joey asked Pacey, coming to lean against the counter next to the stove.

"Brown butter Scallops and a basic pasta." He told her, tapping her hand when she went to reach for some of the food.

"I so thought you were going to say fish." She told him, laughing as he gave her a knowing look.

"I know better then to cook fish for you again." He said in his half whisper voice that always made her stomach flip. She backed away from him, avoiding eye contact. He glanced at the others, adding for their benefit, "When you eat nothing but fish for three months you tend to never want to go anywhere near a plate of fish again."

"Joey want to help me set the table?" Jen jumped in, trying to defuse some of the tension.

"Sure." Joey told her, looking back to Pacey for a few moments before grabbing some plates and following Jen to the dining room.


	9. Chapter 9

"So what's her name?" Joey asked Pacey, during one of the many awkward silences during dinner.

"Wait, what? Who?" Pacey questioned, putting his fork down.

"The girl. Probably blonde." At his expression she continued. "Probably rich. Super pretty."

"Her name is Melanie." He told her, his voice tight.

"Pretty name." She acknowledged, looking down at her plate.

"Not hungry?" He questioned, motioning towards where she had barely eaten.

"How long did it take you to start sleeping with someone after you left?" She asked him, trying to keep the hurt from her voice.

"A month and a half. We are over though. Are you going to eat?" He was done being angry and already onto exasperated.

"You know what Jack? I think we should go umm do that thing! Audrey why don't you come with us?" Jen rushed out, grabbing Jack and Audrey by the hand and dragging them from the room.

"What thing?" Audrey whined.

"Not hungry." Joey finally muttered, pushing her plate forward.

"Seriously? So you just came to dinner to what? Interrogate me?"

"No." She whispered. "I didn't even know if you would show up."

"I don't have to stay if it is going to make you uncomfortable." He told her, already starting to stand.

"Wait." She looked up at him then, her eyes wide. "I'm sorry."

"What's wrong?" He asked her, dropping back down into her seat.

"You and me. I don't want to fight, but I don't know what we are suppose to be doing if we aren't fighting." She told him, trying to gauge his reaction.

"You and Dawson don't fight." He pointed out.

"Why do you always bring him into this?" She gestured between them before realizing it, then quickly dropped her hands back to her lap. "I'm not even speaking to Dawson. And I wasn't in love with him."

"Was?"

"Seriously?" She asked him, shaking her head a little. "Yes I'm probably still in love with you." She told him, hating how her voice broke and tears came to her eyes.

"You know I still love you too right?" He asked her, letting out a breath when she nodded her head.

"Doesn't make this easier."

"No. So why aren't you talking to Dawson?"

"We decided we needed to grow apart to grow up or something." At his encouraging nod she continued on. "He kissed me and it felt like my first crush in the worst way. I felt insecure and like I was thirteen. I realized that I couldn't grow up trying to be the person he thought I was, because I haven't been that girl since I was a kid."

"You surely aren't little Potter anymore." He informed her, smiling as she laughed. "For what it is worth I think you are better then the role he cast you in."

"Thanks." She informed him, looking him over critically. "You know you've outgrown the side kick role pretty well."

"Yea I guess I have."

"Now I guess we just have to wait till Dawson grows up to be something more then the role he cast himself in and we can all go back to being friends?" She asked him with a wistful smile on her face.

"What and all do Summers at the Cape?"

"Maybe. I'll be working 9 to 5 in some job, editing or something probably, Dawson will be driving himself into the ground producing big hits, you will be happy as a chef or something, and we can all meet up one weekend every summer or something." She day dreamed, smiling at the thought of them being friends again after all they have been thru.

"I don't know if I can have you in my life for only one weekend a year." He told her, cursing himself in his head when her breath caught and she turned her wide eyes to him.

"We should go see what excuse Jen has for escaping the awkwardness." She suggested, pushing away from the table.

"You barely ate anything." He reminded her. At her raised eyebrows he gestured to her plate. "Why don't you at least pretend to appreciate my culinary skills and I will go get them."

"I'm not really that hungry." She protested.

"Just a few bites for me?" He asked, smiling in victory as she took a small bite from her fork.

"Its cold!" She called after him as he went to find the others.

It was Tuesday when Joey saw him next. He was leaning by her dorm room door, flirting with her next door neighbor. He shrugged defensively at her look. When the girl he was talking to noticed he was paying more attention to Joey then to her she huffed and headed into her room.

"I don't see why all the girls flock to you." She informed him, leaving the door open behind her as she entered her room.

"Must be the amazing smell!" As she started to laugh he held up a bag he had been hiding behind his back. "I brought food! College kids will do just about anything for food, or so I hear." He suggested, winking at her as she scoffed.

"So you bring food with you everywhere to attract unsuspecting girls?" She asked, unpacking her bag on her desk as he made himself comfortable on her bed.

"Nope! This food is just for you." He informed her, pulling containers out of the bag.

"I'm not hungry Pacey." She told him, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Even for chocolate cake?" He teased, opening one of the containers.

"Nope." She informed him, shaking her head, even as her stomach growled.

"I think your stomach is saying differently." He joked, opening one of the other containers. "I brought french fries" And the last container. "And salad in case you wanted something lighter."

"Still not hungry." She told him, glaring now.

He looked up at her, tracing the outline of her figure with his eyes. Jen had told him she was worried, and after she refused to eat more then five bites at dinner the other night so was he. She looked skinnier to.

"Look just eat enough so you won't pass out. Again" He bargained.

"I tripped!" She defended.

"Twice?" He questioned.

"Honestly it's none of your business!" She yelled at him, sitting down at her desk and opening her book so she wouldn't have to look at him.

"I know." He told her sadly. "And I'm sorry, because we all know it's my fault that it isn't my business anymore, but I do still care, and Jo you are worrying me." He pleaded.

"I'm fine." She told him, lowering her book.

"No you aren't." He told her, keeping eye contact.

"You left!" She shouted at him again, slamming her book closed. "You decided I was too good for you, even though all I ever wanted was you and you left!"

"And you are starving yourself."

"It's under control!" She told him, barely forcing the words out.

"Under control? Is that what you call passing out? How often are you dizzy? How often do you even eat?" He questioned her, leaning his elbows on his knees.

"Why do you even care?" She questioned him, pulling her own knees to her chest.

"What is this about?" He asked her softly. "You know you are beautiful. You've always been skinny." He reminded her. "I don't understand why you won't eat."

"I don't know what you are talking about."

"Seriously Joey?"

"I have class in fifteen minutes." She informed him coldly, glaring. He was reminded of when they were ten and he pushed her from the tree house because girls had cooties, and she had refused to cry, just glaring at him till Dawson told him that she was just like one of the boys.

"You know I care, right?" He questioned her, placing the food on her desk before turning to leave.

"I'm fine Pacey. Really."

"We both know I don't believe that. Call me if you need anything." And then he was gone and she was curling up on her bed crying. She missed her first class of college that day.


	10. Chapter 10

Maybe it was his smile that made her first fall in love with him. She doesn't remember when exactly she was tied to him, when the words soulmates was first used. It wasn't like with Pacey, there were no defining moments of their relationship. There was just her whole childhood, falling asleep with popcorn crumbs on their hands, curled up not touching on the other side of his bed. Which is probably why seeing him again, after the months of no contact made her feel like that unsure just barely teenager she was when she first realized the shift between best friends to possibly more. Which could why she had no good response when he knocked on her door Saturday.

"Dawson!" She had tripped over some of Audrey's clothes in her effort to get to the door, and was still a little breathless as he wrapped her in a hug.

"Joey." He breathed out her name into her hair, and she resisted the urge to pull away to quickly.

"What are you doing here?! What about L.A.?" She lead her way back into her room, choosing to lean against her desk instead of joining him on the bed.

"I imagine L.A. is still where it was when I left it." She narrowed her eyes at his avoiding the questions.

"Okay." She quickly dropped her hands back to her sides when she realized she was twisting them together. "So how long are you here for?"

"You don't sound happy to see me." He sounded dejected and she hated that. Hated that she could still hurt him so easily.

"It's not that. I'm just surprised. Look how about we call Jen and the guys, maybe go out or hang at there place? You can meet Audrey!" She really hated surprises, especially the kind that required her to change plans last minute. She had a test to study for and three papers to write this weekend. And there was a party her and Audrey were planning on going to tonight.

"I was hoping we could hang out, just the two of us? Like old times?"

"Dawson I don't want to stay in my room and watch movies all night, I was planning on going out tonight but we can hang out in a group instead." She really was not in the mood to sit in silence and over analyze every movement on screen. And she really didn't want Dawson's judgement of her life.

"Yea sure." How did he always manage to sound like a kicked puppy anyway? "So Audrey is the new roommate?"

Judging by the way Dawson's face was contorted right now Joey guessed she hadn't mentioned Pacey might be there. Pacey on the other hand looked like he did that summer, totally confident and in control. The way Pacey was before she destroyed the things she loved most about him.

"So we ordered chinese food!" Jen told them, gesturing with her hand towards the dining room when nobody moved from the open doorway. Pacey on one side, Dawson on the other, and Joey shuffling from foot to foot in the in between.

"Chinese sounds great! You got lots of spring rolls right?!" Audrey practically shouted, pushing Dawson a little so she could get in the doorway. Joey followed her to the dining room, leaving Jen to stand between the two boys.

"No fighting." Jen warned them in a low tone. "I really don't want to deal with another chapter of the golden boy vs white knight drama tonight."

Pacey just laughed, stepping aside so Dawson could enter, watching him as he followed the girls, sending a smile to Jen when she touched his shoulder gently.

"I didn't know he was coming, which means Joey didn't know he was coming." She whispered to him, not knowing if she was giving him piece of mind or just upsetting the balance even more.

"I honestly don't care." His voice was harsh, but he took her hand in his for a second before going to join the group at the dining room table.

"So how's school going Dawson?" Jack had been avoiding the awkward silences and even more awkward conversations by shoveling food in his mouth, but he couldn't take one more question about the weather.

"Okay. It's weird being there without the support system I had here. It's harder then I thought it would be, but also easier in so many ways." He answered, ignoring the eye rolls he got in response. There was another awkward silence before Dawson seemed to lock back onto Joey. "Jo aren't you going to eat? You haven't even finished an eggroll." He sounded mocking and worried all at once.

"Sure." She took a bite from the egg roll, forcing herself to swallow it. Anything to keep his attention from her. "Jen you should tell him about the music station." Joey told her, sending her what was probably a universal help signal between women. Joey continued to take small bites, hating herself for caring what Dawson thinks. Hating that she resented her best friend. Hating that Pacey was refusing to look at her, flirting with Audrey on their end of the table. Suddenly Audrey jumped up, pointing at her watch.

"Joey do you still want to go to that party? We can all go!" Audrey was talking in that high pitched voice she tended to use when she got excited.

"Joey you should finish your food first." Dawson told her, breaking from his conversation with Jen.

"Seriously?" She was angry at him. He hadn't noticed when she didn't eat lunch, and he was the one who left her and now he was going to play over protective. "What are you going to do if I don't? Ground me?"

"Why are you acting like such a brat? Just eat your food."

"Fine." She glared at him while she took a large bite of whichever container was closest. She forced herself not to gag, swallowing the bite after barely chewing then showing him her empty mouth like she had just finished an eating competition. "Happy?"

"I'm just saying if you are going to go out drinking or whatever or whoever it is you do these days you should at least eat first!" He was half shouting at her, and he sounded so disappointed.

"Why do you suddenly care?!" She was shouting now, ignoring the looks of her friends till she noticed the guilty look on Jack's face. "Oh my god! I can't believe you! What happened? Did he call you for updates on me? Or did you just decide he needed to know how often I went out drinking? Did you tell him about catching me making out with that jerk last weekend? Or did you decide to add in some details? Make me out to be even more of a slut?" She was already grabbing her coat, and walking towards the front door, trying to will the tears away. She didn't notice the look that passed between Jen and Audrey, but she figured it would be one of them that would be the first to be out the door after her. She probably should have been expecting Pacey to be there by her side, just like he always seemed to be when someone else hurt her. Always the white knight.

She chuckled to herself, wiping at her cheeks. "I didn't sleep with the jerk." She offered up, glancing at him from the corner of her eye.

"I know." He told her, opening the passenger side door of his car.

"I'll take the metro." Before he could protest she was walking away, pulling her jacket around herself tighter. When she heard him coming up behind her she turned back to him. "I just want to be alone for a little bit. Can you see if Audrey needs a ride home for me?" She knew the only way to get him to let her leave was to give him something else to do. "Maybe punch Jack for me?"

"He is just worried." Pacey defended halfheartedly. He wasn't a huge fan of Jack right now either. Joey had enough problems to deal with, adding Dawson into the mix was not the best idea.

"I'll be fine." He barely heard the words, watching her as she walked away.

* * *

Audrey was laughing with Pacey, leading the way to the dorm room she shared with Joey. Pacey was the type of person Audrey always got along well with. Fun and spur of the moment type of guy. Joey was the type of person Audrey had never really gotten along well with. Serious about school, about her future. But they managed to find a good middle ground, and she was already one of the best friends Audrey had ever had. Which is why pushing open the door to her dorm and hearing muffled sobbing terrified her.

Pacey pushed past Audrey, in the half second of hesitation she had upon hearing her best friend. He nudged open the bathroom door carefully, pulling Joey to him. Audrey watched for a moment, waited until Joey stopped fighting him enough to curl into his chest, then she went to grab a bottle of water and the comfy blanket they were always stealing from one another. She wrapped Joey up halfway, glancing at Pacey's heartbroken face as he looked down at Joey. When she finally caught his eye he nodded towards the toilet. She sighed softly, trying to give him a reassuring smile as she flushed it.

Audrey grew up in L.A. surrounded by little girls who all thought they were gonna be the next big thing. Teenagers who thought if they just pushed themselves a little bit harder then the next girl, forgetting that they were all pushing just as hard. She had been in to many situations like this one, except usually it was her rival for a part and not her best friend curled up on the bathroom floor.

"I wish I hated him." Joey sobbed, and Audrey knew that it didn't really matter who she was talking about. The father she barely talked about, the boy who was suppose to be her saving grace, or the boy currently trying to hold the broken pieces of her together. Pacey made soothing noises, kissing the top of her head, looking to Audrey for answers. Answers none of them had it seemed. "I just hate myself instead." She was sobbing again, pulling away from Pacy long enough to dry heave in the toilet, before he was pulling her back to him trying not to let the tears that had gathered at his eyes.

"You are going to be okay." Audrey told Joey, reaching over to rub soothing circles on her shoulder blade, trying to reassure Pacey and herself. He looked at her gratefully, and they all sat there curled together, the sound of Joey's sobbing getting quieter as she slowly fell to sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

She would be lying if she said she remembered the first time she skipped a meal. She doesn't remember the first time she lied to Bessie, or the first time she worked doubles one day after the other with nothing more then half an apple. What she does remember is the morning she sat down and ate chocolate chip and blueberry pancakes on Pacey's boat. He drove her and Audrey over still in their pajamas and when she only finished half her pancake he wrapped up the other half and put it in the fridge for her. They spent most of the day on the boat, laughing and telling stories about their childhoods. Audrey kept them entertained with stories of pageants and all the vacations her family took when she was younger. Pacey talked about his summer on the yacht. Joey laughed till her stomach hurt, but didn't add many stories of her own.

"I imagine this is what is was like for you guys growing up." Audrey told them around lunch time. "Laying out on the deck of some boat and just talking" she explained, making Joey and Pacey share a look before they both started laughing.

"If this was us growing up the boat would be a row boat and at least one of us would be in the creek by now." Joey told her.

"It would probably be me, forcing me to go home soaked like a dog and hope my father wasn't home." Pacey added.

"Daddy issues?" Audrey asked, sympathy and laughter in her tone. It was one of those questions people usually only asked if they had similar problems.

"You could say that." He told her, watching Joey's facial expression. She reached her hand out and gave it a gentle squeeze. "My father isn't a bad guy, he is a cop actually. But he isn't going to win any father of the year awards ever. At least not for all of his children at the same time." He forced a laugh out, hoping one day he would be able to mention his father without hating the parts of himself that reminded him of his father. "He played favorites with the boys, didn't care one way or the other about the girls, but I was never the favorite."

"I hope you don't hate me for saying this but I don't think you would like being the favorite." Audrey told him, ignoring Joey's wide eyed look.

"What?" Pacey asked, his voice an octave higher then usual.

"It's just that if you were his favorite it means your brother would be treated like crap and you just seem more capable of being treated terribly then letting someone else being treated badly. White knight syndrome and all." Audrey explained, rushing all the words out quickly. She still wasn't always sure where she stood with this tight nit group and she didn't want to upset them.

"I don't... I..." He was at a loss for words, looking between the two girls.

"If we are going to be dealing with all of our daddy issues today I think I need some chocolate." Joey teased with a tentative smile. Audrey tried to hide her surprised smile, but Pacey sent her a wide smile that lit up his whole face. There was a time not long ago when she would have done anything to get that smile out of him. It turns out some things don't change.

"Anything else?" Pacey asked, already up and heading down into the kitchen to grab the chocolate chips he had left over from breakfast.

"No, just some chocolate for now for me." Joey answered him, though she sounded so unsure it sounded like a question to her ears.

"Chocolate for now. I have some mac and cheese if anyone wants any later." He told her, trying not to push her. Joey just smiled back at him while Audrey reached for the chocolate chips. They all laid back down on the deck, passing the bag of chocolate between them.

"I sent my father back to prison." Joey says after a few minutes of silence, making both of her friends turn to look at her. She stairs up at the sun, even though the brightness of it makes her eyes water. "The first time he went to prison I was mostly just confused. I knew he was cheating on my mom, I knew it wasn't good and that he was kind of falling apart or whatever. I didn't know about the drugs. I didn't realize that when my mom died he wasn't going to be around to raise us. But we dealt with it. Bessie let me hate him and let me miss him and let me deal with it how I wanted to deal with it." She took a deep breath, still refusing to look to either side. "Then he came back, and it was perfect for a little bit. I wanted to believe it was perfect, that it was different this time. But he started dealing and Dawson." She finally looked over to Pacey for a moment, taking a few deep breaths. "Dawson told me instead of going to the police. I still don't know why. I was going to hate him for it either way. Either way it was at least partly his fault that my father was going back. But he had to get me involved too. And I don't regret it. Maybe next time he gets out he will be ready to be the father he was when I was little, before my mom got sick, but maybe he will never get out."

"Wow." Audrey breathed out when the silence started to get awkward. "If there is one thing I have learned from hating my father it's that no matter how much you hate them you can't help but love them. I think that is the part that sucks the most." Joey and Pacey locked eyes again before both agreeing with Audrey.

"You know what goes well with conversations about bad fathers?" Joey asked, winking at Audrey before sending Pacey a questioning smile. "I heard someone mention something about mac and cheese."

"Coming up." Pacey told her, ruffling her hair as he walked by her to get to the kitchen.

* * *

"You know that boy looks at you like you are the only thing he has ever loved." Audrey laughed at Joey's surprised expression. They had spent all day on the boat and Pacey had just dropped them off at their dorm before heading to work.

"Pacey loves fixing me." Joey told her, a sad smile. "Even if he did love me, I'm no good at loving him." She explained, getting her shower stuff ready so she had something to do with her hands.

"From everything you both have told me you guys weren't very good at loving each other, and maybe a little too good at running."

"He is the one who left." Joey told her, sighing when she realized how angry she sounded.

"Look I wasn't there, I don't know everything that happened. What I do know is that that boy looks at you like you are the one thing that makes his life worth living and that the only times I have seen you actually really smile is when you two are together. I'm not saying that you two need to be together now or anything, I just want you to be aware that there are people who love you. I love you." Audrey wiped the tear from her cheek, hating how hard it was for her to keep her emotions in check.

"I know I have work to do but I am trying." Joey told her, giving her a hug. It wasn't the best as far as reassurances go but it brought a smile to Audrey's face.

* * *

 **AN: I just wanted to say thank you for all the reviews and support.**

 **When I started this story I knew how I wanted it to start and most of the middle parts but I actually am not sure where I want it to end, so unlike how I usually write I am kind of just letting it write itself and let it go where it goes.**

 **I hope you guys keep enjoying it.**


	12. Chapter 12

Lives are measured by memories. The big moments separate the smaller memories. For Joey the first big moment was when her mom died and her father went to prison. For the rest of her life there would be the time period before her mom's death and the time after. The other big moments happened so close together, kissing Pacey and losing Dawson's friendship, graduating high school and Pacey walking away, going to college. Her life's biggest moments are defined by losing the people she loves. Maybe that is how it is for everyone though.

Some days, especially Mondays, she hates growing up. And it is a weird thing, to hate the one thing you have wanted for half your life. Not a day has gone by when she hasn't wished she was five years old, before she knew what cancer what. But she now misses the days when her and Pacey and Dawson would be sitting on the dock, dreaming about the grownup versions of themselves. The nights spend lying innocently on Dawson's bed, not wanting to wait to grow up. She feels old, already wishing for the past, but the present scares her more then the thought of staying young forever. But the past few days the future hasn't seemed as terrifying.

"You don't have to keep bringing me food." Joey told Pacey when she opened her door to see him with bags of take out containers.

"Well who else is going to give me an honest critique?" He asked her, piling her schoolwork from her desk up and laying out the containers.

"Don't you work for a chef, are his taste buds not reliable?"

"Well what if I came up with a brilliant recipe and he stole it? Then where would I be?"

"Maybe with some job security." She joked with a smile. He stuck his tongue out in response, making her laugh.

"So we have an apple and acorn squash farro, and some lobster and corn chowder." He told her, sliding over Audrey's desk chair and starting to eat.

"I am starting to think you come here just so you don't have to eat alone on the boat." She told him as she dropped in her chair.

"Well I can't do much better as far as company goes." He flirted, smiling at her.

"You know you could probably make other friends. Actually on second thought that might be a little hard for you." She teased him, pushing the food around a little with her fork.

"Well we know I couldn't have better friends, present company excluded of course." He bantered back, before flicking his fingers against where hers were gripping her fork. "I promise I didn't poison it."

"What?" She asked, confused for a second before glancing down at the container lid she was using as a plate. "I'm not really hungry." She explained, avoiding eye contact.

"Okay. You are still going to keep me company while I eat right? I hate eating alone." He told her, smiling when she brought her eyes up to his.

"Sure."

"So there is this party at the restaurant and Danny has to be out talking to the reporters and guests and he wants me to do the chef stuff. I'm still not sure what that means and I am sure that Danny will be checking on me every five minutes."

"Wow. That's great Pacey." The smile she sent him made his brain foggy and his chest hurt, thankfully he was use to that feeling around her. "So what type of party is it? Is it for all the investors and if it is am I going to get left overs?" She joked with him, making him chuckle.

"I guess its some sort of celebration thing. Civilization got first on some list of best restaurants in Boston. Mostly family and friends with some investors and loyal customers I guess. If you want to do better then left overs you could always come. I do have a guest ticket. Audrey is working that night to but I'm sure she has an extra ticket if someone else from the gang wanted to go."

"I'm not sure." She told him, tucking her feet onto the chair as she took a small bite to give her time. "I just don't know if I'm comfortable sitting at a table with a bunch of strangers." He heard the unspoken part about eating, or not eating as was more the case lately, in front of anyone.

"Well my ticket is yours if you want it. It is hors d'oeuvres style so no sitting required." He reassured her, smiling when she nodded with a small smile.

After a few minutes of silence, besides the sounds of their chewing, she gave him a questioning look. "Do you like cooking?" When he started to nod she waved her hand a little. "I mean like like it enough to like it for the rest of your life? Like could you see yourself in twenty years still doing this?"

"Not this exactly." He put his fork down, leaning back in the chair and crossing his arms. "I don't want to be working for someone else, cooking their food forever. But cooking? Yea I could see that part sticking."

"Hmm." She hummed, leaning her head into her palms, putting her elbows on the desk. "I guess I never really saw you figuring it all out before anyone else did."

"I don't have it all figured out. And we all know Dawson has it all figured out." He argued.

"You have more figured out then I do. I don't even know what I want to major in, or what I want to do when I get out of college. I was always focused so much on getting out I didn't think past that. "And maybe Dawson doesn't have it as figured out as we thought. Jen told me he is still in Boston and doesn't seem to want to talk about going back to L.A."

"Huh." He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he watched her face. "Have you talked to him?"

"No." She said shortly.

"I know I haven't always been able to talk to you about him, but I'm here." He offered, smiling at her surprised look.

"It's not that I don't want to talk about him with You." She told him emphasizing the you. "I don't really want to think about it at all. I thought he and I were done hurting each other."

"He loves you." He offered quietly. He may have his issues with Dawson, but one thing he knew for sure was that the one thing they had in common was loving Joey.

"Why do the men in my life who love me always end up hurting me?" She asked him, wincing when she saw the hurt form on his face. They were both quiet for a while and Joey shut the lid on the take out containers, curling up on her bed. After a few minutes Pacey got up and sat at the foot of her bed.

"I don't know how to say sorry enough for all the times I hurt you. I know I hurt you. I have relived that night at Prom a million times."

"It wasn't just Prom." She interrupted, hugging her pillow as she looked at him. "Prom sucked, and I think a lot of that was my fault. It was the walking away without saying goodbye."

"I didn't know how." He told her, shaking his head as soon as he had said it. "I came up with a hundred ways to tell you actually. I just didn't know what I would do if you asked me to stay, or worse if you told me you would come."

"It wasn't like True Love." She told him, knowing that didn't explain much. Honestly she had spent so much time being mad at him for not saying goodbye that she never even thought about what she would have said if he had told her.

"No. It wasn't. I think I needed that summer. To figure out who I was without my family, without Capeside, without you."

"It seemed to go good for you." She told him, tucking her toes under his thigh and resting her head on the pillow.

"I realized I wasn't ever going to be without it, what's that saying about memories making a person? All of my memories revolved around that town. Most of them included you, the best ones did. I can't speak for your father, or for Dawson but I wasn't ready to love you. I wasn't enough then and I was trying to hard to be something, someone, I wasn't. I think part of me was so afraid of you stopping loving me that I tried to stop loving you first. Which just made me angry and angrier at you."

"I don't think it is possible for me to ever stop loving you." She told him, chewing on her bottom lip, brushing away the tears that had gathered at her eyes, before leaning to him and wiping at the tear that was on his cheek. "And you were always enough for me. I didn't need someone successful or whatever you thought I needed. All I needed was someone who would be there."

"I needed to be more, I wasn't happy Jo. And it wasn't your fault, and I hate that I made you think it was."

"And now?" She asked him, letting her hand drop to sit on hers. He flipped his hand over to grasp hers.

"Now you need to figure out what you want, and who you want to be. You work on getting better."

"What about us?"

"I'll be here." He promised her, bringing her hand up for a kiss.


	13. Chapter 13

There is something about having someone on your side that makes facing all the hard parts of life just a little easier. Some people think it is weakness to need someone else, but everyone needs someone.

She remembers talking about the notion, that someone can't love you till you love yourself, in psychology class. She wanted to believe that everyone was lovable, it was hard to believe things like that when you didn't know what love really was.

It isn't till this quote is brought up in her writing class that she realizes she can pull from more then her past with her parents. She knows that she has been loved by many people in her life, even when she felt unworthy, when she didn't love herself. So she writes a story of a girl who was loved before she was lost, and a boy who loved so much more then he had ever been loved. It's not till she is done, editing the paper, till she realizes the story isn't really fiction. She had loved Pacey before he even realized he could be worth loving, long before he even knew how to like himself. He had loved her when she was so focused on the future, on what she could be, that she didn't realize all that she was.

"I wrote a story about you today." Is the first thing that she says when she sees him. She has shown up to his restaurant's party, a new dress on and her hair done up. He has mostly been in the kitchen, but he catches her eye thru the doorway when the door swings.

"You needed an example of a perfect male specimen?" He joked, wrapping one arm around her.

"Actually it was about being loved when you don't love yourself." Pacey smiles, kissing her forehead to hide it.

"You should let me read it sometime." He whispers into her hairline, releasing her as his boss comes over.

He comes over and Pacey tucks Joey under his arm. It feels like before, before they were together, before they broke each other.

They laugh with his boss, and he keeps her pulled in close as he talks to frequent customers and coworkers. They all smile at her and talk to her, the way people who aren't quite strangers do. There is this confidence she feels when she is around him, and maybe that is more important then the love.

He hands her small plates as they are walking, telling her who made what and why some of the dishes are his favorite. She takes a small bite of each, looking up and being surprised every time that he isn't watching her. Some of the plates she finishes herself, most she passes back to Pacey to finish.

It's a few hours later, in her dorm room that she hands her paper over for him to read. She hadn't even made it fully in her room before she was pulling off her shoes, and of course he noticed and pulled her feet into his lap when they sat on her bed.

"It is just the first draft, and I'm not sure if I am going to rewrite it but I thought you would want to read it." His hands stay on her feet, and he waits for her to nod reassuringly before he starts reading. She is twisting in her seat nervously by the time he sets the paper back down, squeezing her feet.

"It's good." He tells her, ducking his head a little to keep eye contact.

"Yea?"

"Yes." He sounds so sure, it is so easy to believe in the belief he has in her. "I do have one question though. Do they end up together in the end?"

"Don't talk around it Pace." She tells him, poking his thigh when he stops rubbing her feet. "Honestly I don't know. I hope so." She holds eye contact with him, fidgeting her hands together for a moment to figure out what she wants to say. "It isn't about that really. It is about how people can't save you but that they can make you think you are worth saving. I think that is the biggest battle."

"You taught me I was worth more then what my family had planned for me." He doesn't want to bring up prom again, isn't sure how many times he can apologize because it is never going to make it better.

"I could write a book of all the things you have taught me, or at least helped me learn. That I got to decide my own destiny, and it wasn't carved in stone. I'm not sure if I ever told you thank you for that. I'm not sure where I would be without you, can't even imagine it really."

"Leaving you was the hardest thing I've ever done."

"I thought that was loving me." She tells him seriously. She knows that he loves her, has known it somewhere for all her life. Maybe not how he loved her, but she never really doubted the loving in itself.

"Loving you is like breathing." Her breathe catches at that and he smiles the way she imagines he would talking to a scared animal. "I didn't leave because it was hard to love you, I left because I didn't know how to love myself. I'm sorry that it took me hurting you to realize people cared enough to be hurt."

* * *

 **Authors Note: Sorry it has taken me so long to update this. Family in town, broken laptop, etc etc.**

 **Anyway I hope to update this more in the next few days, along with some of my other stories.**

 **Thank you for the patience.**


End file.
